now mind you not ALL people who reside in the big apple are lame. i reserve that title for simply the ones that were born there. why, you ask? why on earth would i think so little of a native resident of the self-proclaimed “greatest city on earth?” well it has a lot to do with the fact that they seem to think that everyone who ISN’T from New York is nothing more than a big fat hick or an annoying and over-zealous tourist.

think about it. anytime you engage in a conversation with a New Yorker about any subject, they always profess to not only know more about the subject, but have an example of how something New York related is way better than whatever example you brought up. Clothes for example. If you mention that you bought a really cute pair of jeans down in Brazil some ditzy bitch from Manhattan will immediately cut you off and say, “oh the clothes down there don’t even begin to compare to the cute retro shit you can get down in The Village! they have the best stuff on earth!” or try telling someone from Brooklyn that Seattle has churned out a few really seriously talented musicians over the past 20 years. They will barely let you finish the sentence before they go into the rich history of rap music in their burro as if it had anything to do with the alternative rock conversation you were engaged in.

and please don’t ever ever EVER try to talk to them about celebs. you could be Britney Spears’ fuckin’ sister but in the minds of a New Yorker, they are more famous and better connected than you just by virtue of birth alone….

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…they can be the lowest of the low chump ass fan living way up in Harlem but they will swear that they are only a phone call away from having P. Diddy come through to MC their backyard BBQ. all girls in new work (like everywhere else on the planet) swear they can model/sing/dance/act but for some reason, the girls in the big city have some weird delusion that they are already famous and that they run their own international agency and they are moving into their Manhattan offices next month. a NYC cat can be broke as a joke but in his mind he can hop on a train to midtown and get a record deal whenever the mood strikes him. some dorky and more or less virginal guy from Long Island can be a gay prostitute in Soho but in his mind he is the most influential and underrated portrait artist of his time.

do these clowns talk like this to each other? when two dudes from Queens are hanging out, do they engage in pointless name-dropping competitions with each other? or do they reserve this annoying ass elitest banter for us corn-fed-backwoods-ingrates?

their fame fantasies travel with them when they relocate to other states as well. how many of you living away from the east coast have seen a party flyer announcing that some nameless DJ from New York will be performing at your local hole-in-the-wall bar? or that a new music scout is in town from New York City? or that some new New York-based magazine is looking for models for exposure? or (my favorite) that a new tv show is sending a film crew to your town to shoot for a new show that will be shown on.. get this.. LOCAL ACCESS TV in New York! oh shit! let me quit my day job! ya’ll are doin’ big thangs!

let me put it this way.. you being from NYC does not make you any more important in the larger scheme of things than my being from Ohio or Omaha. at the end of the day you are still just another squirrel trying to get a nut amongst a lot of much bigger squirrels that have connections you will never have. you aren’t famous. you will never live anywhere near Park Avenue. you have never bought anything from Tiffany’s. you can’t rap. your record label is not going to take off. no one will ever buy any of your paintings. your magazine will never be printed. you do not have a connect at what-ever-record-label-or-magazine-or-night-club. you don’t know a guy, that knows, a guy, that fucked a girl, that works for a guy, that owns something… and even if you did, it still doesn’t mean shit. we don’t envy your imagined status. so please, just fuck off and die.

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