being up all hours of the night, i get a lot of weird messages from people on yahoo. i seem to be pretty popular with Indian people in particular. here is a convo i had last night with an Indian immigrant that was in desperate need of help when it comes to bagging American women. i thought you guys might enjoy this one and possibly even ponder of the wonders of American hygine!

(note:the screen names are not real but the convo IS! i did NOT make this up!)

indian_guy: hi my friend
indian_guy: can i ask you one questions
yellowchick: yes
indian_guy: if you dont mind can i know why you are wakeup so late night with out sleep? me i am single and not getting sleep till i play chess and see porn clips
yellowchick: i work at night so that i dont disturb my surfers when i am updating and troubleshooting sites
indian_guy: there you go i thought so too
indian_guy: i never had sex till i come to USA i was 26 [he is now 30]
indian_guy: do you have any idea how to meet girls in farmington hills [suburb of Detroit]
indian_guy: i go to dance club but no girl comes to me
indian_guy: they just ignore simply
indian_guy: all girls white and dark too
yellowchick: girls dont come to guys. you have to come to them.
indian_guy: yeaa thats what i did i the dance club
indian_guy: i keep on going to the girls and they keep on going to other dark guys
indian_guy: one dark guy he looks like uneducated with lot of hair and not even a good face cuts
indian_guy: all the girls are going to him
yellowchick: because he has personality
yellowchick: and confidence
yellowchick: these girls arent looking for a husband so education isnt important
indian_guy: personality in what aspect?
indian_guy: i have good personality too
yellowchick: they want someone to buy them drinks, laugh, tell jokes, dance, have fun
indian_guy: i can buy drinks ..but not good at dance though
indian_guy: just go to back of the girls and try to hold them but they just gone
yellowchick: dont try to dance if you dont know how
yellowchick: instead just tell jokes and buy them drinks
indian_guy: but how can i know what drinks they like
yellowchick: you ask them
yellowchick: you say “what are you drinking? you look like you need another drink!” and laugh
yellowchick: and buy her friends a drink too. and then tell them silly jokes and make them laugh
indian_guy: silly jokes in the sense? sex jokes?
yellowchick: forget the jokes. this is what you do

…

yellowchick: you buy a group of girls drinks at a party, laugh with them a little and then leave them alone
indian_guy: humm
yellowchick: come back later in the night and buy them more and tell them “I am going to head out but whenever you guys are hanging out, call me okay?”
indian_guy: group of girls
yellowchick: then give them your card with your number
yellowchick: just 2 or 3 girls
yellowchick: eventually you will have a nice circle of girls that will call you when they want to hang out. eventually u will get to know them better and maybe date one of them alone without her friends.
indian_guy: ok i got it thinks this gonna work out
indian_guy: but the major problem with me is my english accent
indian_guy: i got to improve it i donno whether i can or not it
yellowchick: no, dont try to talk american. that is lame
indian_guy: ok
yellowchick: dress very nicely and look like a rich Indian business man that likes to have fun with nice American girls
indian_guy: ok
yellowchick: wear suits
indian_guy: suits ?
yellowchick: business suit. get a nice one and wear that without a tie
indian_guy: humm ok
yellowchick: with black dress shoes
yellowchick: you should get your hair cut
yellowchick: a short Brad Pitt haircut would look good on you
indian_guy: the black dude who had lot of girls had lot of hair and he knoted it
yellowchick: i want you to look more adult and professional
indian_guy: ok yeaa i look like a kid of 19 or 20 yrs age
indian_guy: thats what everyone says
yellowchick: call one of these salons in this email for an appt.
yellowchick: and now, we can talk about the scent. i am sure you know American girls LOVE how a man smells if he wears the right things
indian_guy: this is new thing for me
indian_guy: i dont do scent ..rather do fresh bath everyday and if possbile two times a day
yellowchick: that is good but girls like to smell a cologne or body spray too
yellowchick: what deoderant do you use?
indian_guy: nope no deoderant too…lol
indian_guy: i like naturality
indian_guy: but i shave my underarms as when required
yellowchick: okay, when you go out, i want you to use DEGREE deoderant.
indian_guy: Degree ?
yellowchick: [i send him a pic of a stick degree of deoderant]
indian_guy: can i get it at K-mart
yellowchick: yes
yellowchick: walgreens, CVS, kmart
indian_guy: ok i got it
yellowchick: what kind of toothpaste and mouthwash do you use?
indian_guy: i use pepsodent and no mouthwash. rather use water to clean mouth after eating any thing
indian_guy: and yea i use tongue cleaner after brushing teeth
yellowchick: buy this for mouthwash. girls love how this smells too [i send a pic of listerine bottle]
indian_guy: ok yeaa i know listern strips too
yellowchick: yes, those are good
yellowchick: teeth are very important to americans too
yellowchick: do indians care a lot about teeth?
indian_guy: yeaa they do
indian_guy: we do brush them everyday …and night
indian_guy: and clean the toungue too
yellowchick: brushing the tounge, that is very good. more americans should do that.
yellowchick: do you get your teeth cleaned by a dentist ever?
indian_guy: nope unless we have a bad teeth
yellowchick: americans get their teeth cleaned twice a year by a dentist
yellowchick: even with good teeth
indian_guy: ok i will try
yellowchick: we are a little crazy about teeth
indian_guy: oh ok
yellowchick: buy these colognes [i send a pic of burberry and dolce men’s cologne]
yellowchick: girls LOVE those!!!!
indian_guy: where i get this
yellowchick: walgreens
indian_guy: what is the second one
indian_guy: it says toilet spray
yellowchick: i am not sure what it means
yellowchick: that is a french word
yellowchick: but that is what we call “cologne”
indian_guy: ok. you really make me know about lot of things!
indian_guy: can i get them k-mart
yellowchick: yes, i think so
indian_guy: will this smell strongly?
yellowchick: i know this seems weird, but americans do not like natural scents.
indian_guy: ok. it is very weird
yellowchick: i know all of this seems like a lot of work, but smell is very important to americans.
yellowchick: you judge people by education, americans judge people by their smell
indian_guy: oh! i see how you say!
yellowchick: do you use a bar soap?
indian_guy: i used to but i stoped and started using body wash like dove or recently aveeno
yellowchick: you should use both. the soap will kill the bacteria that gives you a natural scent.
yellowchick: the body wash will soften your skin [send pic of lever2000 bar soap and bottle of dove body wash]
indian_guy: humm rightnow it is taking me to get out bathroom around 40 mins
indian_guy: if i use both it takes for ever
indian_guy: i will be tired by coming out of bathroom coz i pray god after having bath
indian_guy: for 10 to 15 mins
yellowchick: it will be worth it.
yellowchick: and you will smell good while you are praying
indian_guy: yeaa with fresh body and fresh mind
yellowchick: exactly
indian_guy: i have some photos of my indian gods i pray at them
yellowchick: Hindu?
indian_guy: yeaa
yellowchick: cool
indian_guy: you taught me tonight lot of things i dont know
indian_guy: I am really glad and honour to have you as friend
yellowchick: i hope i helped
indian_guy: a lot but i will work on them
indian_guy: coz you helped me a lot actually you educated me lot of american thing today
indian_guy: just thought of some treat from my side and for my happiness …i am 100% true nothing more than that
indian_guy: sorry i am little bit emotional …if it bothers you
indian_guy: ok i am doing this hair this weekend,buying the stuff like body spray and deodrant tomorrow itself
indian_guy: today i am very very happy ..i have such a wonderful guidence from you which i did not get for the past 4 years in usa
yellowchick: i really hope i helped
indian_guy: no hopes . rather you helped me a lot for more than what i have been not known of many things
indian_guy: Are you Indian by any chance and playing with me?
yellowchick: no, i am African American
indian_guy: no was just curious as every one sleeps in night times
indian_guy: you are like an indian who just came from india and sleeping in indian timings called jet log
indian_guy: lol
indian_guy: this is making me more suspect you as an indian ..but i know you are not…lol
yellowchick: lol lol lol
indian_guy: you really touched me from my deep heart
indian_guy: yeaa thats why i stopped
indian_guy: i am very sensitive aand emotional
yellowchick: let me know what you think of the soaps and colognes
indian_guy: ok good day to you and thanks a lot lot
yellowchick: you’re welcome
yellowchick: good night

maybe they should make American hygine a part of adult ESL courses cause he was here four years and had no clue what we think of as normal. i’ll let ya know if he was able to pick up any chicks lol

…