There is a whole lot of shit flying in certain circles about this article “How to bang a stripper”. With me being a past stripper and all, I felt it neccessary to respond. Granted, this dude is a comic/editorial writer (us stripper chics ‘google’d him) and has come up with all sorts of other bullshit and comical (translation: POOR TASTE) articles that we found on the net, but this one specifically pissed us off the most (us, as in the stripper collective). Here is our reply:

How to take advantage of pathetic losers who buy the “how to sleep with strippers” books:

1. You need a partner. Have a girl friend who is also sick of pathetic guys trying to get us strippers into bed through these tricks. You have to be able to trust her, and know that she won’t rat you out (you be willing to do the same). You have to have each other’s back.

2. Score some G or Ruphies. Be sure you know the dosage, so as to not kill the guy. You just want to render him unconscious for a few hours. Separate up the doses, so as to not leave anything up to chance.

3. When the PL customer comes in pulling this drug b.s. Just ask if you can bring your nymphomaniac friend over too. Introduce her to the PL and then kiss each other passionately. This guy will think he is going to have his own little porn fest right in his hotel room. Remind him to bring the drugs, to enhance “the mood”. Ladies, you will have him eating out of your hand!!

4. Go back to work as usual for the rest of your shift, and make bank off the decent and respectful customers. They are your base, so treat the paying customers very well and show them the best time ever.

5. Be sure to bring some drinks with you to the PL’s hotel room. Everyone likes a couple of cocktails to loosen up.

6. When offering drinks have the girl with the G prepare the drinks. If this is you be very careful to be discreet. It is your partner’s job to distract the PL while you slip the G in his drink.

7. Continue w/ teasing the PL, and ask about what kind of drugs he is offering and the like. Use the same techniques that the article writer offers to fake using the drugs.

8. Offer the PL a second drink. If he still has some left in his first glass, he will down it and then bring him a second w/o any drugs in it. Then wait for him to pass out.

9. When the PL is passed out, go through his pockets and gain access to his credit cards, drivers license, car keys etc. Remove all of his clothes and all of the towels, pillows and blankets from the hotel room. Remove everything that he owns from the hotel room, including all the drugs and the drinks that you brought. It is almost time to leave, so wipe down all surfaces for fingerprints.

*Take the room phone w/ you. This guy will be buck naked and stuck in the motel room. He will probably have a terrible hangover when he wakes up, and will have no means of contacting anyone w/o leaving his room. It will take him a while to get the courage to venture out to seek help. Or he will wait until the maid comes around (usually between 11am-2pm) to clean the room.*

10. Place all of these items in his car. Keep the drugs separate from his other personal belongings. Place his wallet in a natural place in his car (visor or glove box). Drive his car to his home. (check vehicle registration or driver’s license for his address).

11. When at his house search for cash, (for you efforts). If this guy has no cash on hand, you can just use his credit cards for a shopping spree tomorrow. Also look for blank checks that you can use for these purposes. If he has cable, order a bunch of pay-per-view events. If he has a computer and an internet connection, use his computer and credit cards to become a member of a bunch of porn sites/ Make them some of grossest ones you can find. Gather the drugs you found in his house, as well as the ones you got from at the hotel room, and leave them in a semi conspicuous spot (dresser in the bedroom, bathroom counter) nothing too obvious like on the dinning room table. Place some of the drugs here, and place more in a nearby drawer.

12. Okay, we’re almost done! It should be morning now, and you and your girlfriend can go shopping! I recommend buying items like designer hand bags, electronics like iPods or portable DVD players. These are item you can easily and profitably sell on auction websites.

13. Head back to the PL’s house, to replace his credit cards in his wallet. Make sure everything looks to be in order and undisturbed.

14. Call the police to report a burglary in progress at the PL’s house. Use his phone to make this call. I would be willing to bet that would be the last time he would ever pull this crap again on poor defenseless strippers!! - Touche’

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